From the sunny hills of Hollywood to Orange County to the beautiful San Francisco Bay, I'm back to give you all things awesome to awfully roach. And it could not have come at a better time, because tis the season to freeze your butt off in a hoochie dress while standing in line for a hip holiday party.
Unlike guys in their long tacky leather jackets over their striped black button-ups, girls are never, ever, ever aloud to wear a jacket or any type of outerwear that can 1) warm them up or 2) cover up their hoochie dress. It's the rules--lest she be destroyed. What's even more irritating isn't the actual cold, but those same stupid guys in their leather jackets that ask you if you're cold. YES YOU IDIOT, OF COURSE I'M COLD--GIVE ME THAT HIDEOUS JACKET!
Word to the wise guys, if YOU are cold standing out there, then the girls next to you in their polyester slutty dresses are cold too. There, now you know. So ladies, if you're going to have to suffer might as well do so in a hot beaded halter dress by BCBG for $308.00. It's white, with a halter neck and beading in the breast area. What more can you ask for? Throw on a santa hat, and bravely stand in that line with your unsuspecting boyfriend with the knowledge that even though you're freezing cold, that girl next to you in red and green polyester is way more roach then you--which honestly, was the whole point anyways.
I love Polos. I love them in every color and every brand. They're comfortable, they're cute and most importantly, you can pop their collars at any moment. But there is nobody on this planet Earth that loves polos more than Dads. More specifically, balding dads with their red baseball caps, chinos, and navy polos. And these very same dads love nothing more than to be wearing their navy polos COMPLETELY tucked into their chinos. I simply do not understand. Like moms who suddenly have an affinity for cropped pants and pastel, when a guy passes the age of 35 and becomes Dad, his polos end up tucked into stonewashed tapered jeans with a black belt around his nipples. I mean the the red cap covering the receding hairline--fine. The chinos because you can't wear boot-cut, stylishly damaged Diesel jeans--I'll accept that too. But what is the benefit of tucking in your polos and buttoning them up to your neck? The answer to that is nothing. Nothing, except that it's roach. So there, if there ever was a reason to dump your hubby for a younger guy there it is. Ruining polos for everyone. Well that and man-dals (roach male sandals with all the slits and Nike swooshes everywhere--ick). And if they're worn together, get yourself an Ashton Kutcher pronto! Cause even a lifetime of trucker hats is better than cargo shorts and man-dals.
Hollywood is a place where anything goes. Where there are valets at hotdog stands, 14 year olds in their Jimmy Choos for sunday brunch, and where celebs mingle with the regular folks at the local Crepeville. So opportunites to be surprised in the land of overindulgence is few and far between. However, I do manage to be shocked and horrified every week when I venture out into the Hollywood limelight and see lots and lots of booties, in lot and lots of tiny booty shorts. Black booty shorts with cowl neck hoochie tops and strappy sandals--the evening wear uniform for every La gal. For some reason, no matter how cute that chic La chick is during the day, she will undoubtedly be be beckoned by the sounds of booty shaking club kids everywhere to toss on her butt-cheeck exposing booty shorts. I know it's all about the junk in the trunk these days, but booty shorts? I have to say, i have a major problem with this. Sure, they're cute at home when you're lounging around, or when you're trying to seduce some guy into making out with you on "movie night," but to wear out?! It's like slutty slumber parties every night! I end a lot of my posts pleading for fashion offenders to stop what they're doing and get a grip. And this post is no different. I implore you Hollywood hotties and not-so-hotties to toss away those booty shorts and adopt cuter hoochie-wear. Like-- booty SKIRTS, they're just as slutty but less roach! Let's keep booty shorts in the bedroom, where they belong.