Dating in the modern world is hard. You've got profiles, pictures, and dating questionnaires even before you get the chance to embarrass yourself in person. From here, you're already judging them how much money they make, those mandals they wore, or that really bad "your mama's so fat" joke that they thought was just SO FUNNY. This means that the fun discovery process of finding out all this stuff is taken away and the only thing left to discover about the other person are their annoying habits, like how they slurp their soup and go "ahhh" after. I have a friend that's dating a guy right now where every time she asks him to share a bite of his food, before he gives it to her, he will 1. look at it first 2. take a bite and then 3. offer her whatever bite is left. I don't know about you, but from a person that gets all the bites, I find this to be incredibly offensive. First because you realize that the bite that he took was presumably, and for all intents and purposes, the best bite and that he HAD TO get it before you got it, and all the bites that are left are presumably far less tasty than the one he's chewing on in his annoying mouth. This realization will then, of course, lead you to the Titanic scenario: would his ass be in a dress and wig so he can get in one of those lifeboats with Celine Dion, leaving you stuck with with all those second class citizens below?! Now, I'm sure the guy has other amazing qualities; maybe he takes the best bite but then goes out and buys her Louis Vuitton bags. But, short of that, I don't know how I could look at this dude during a meal and not want to punch his teeth out. Tell him to "bite me" or let it slide for the next 50 years? You tell me.
Yesterday I was at the nail salon getting my Tet New Year red mani and pedi, which is a great time for me because I get to relax and do my all time favorite thing which is ear hustle Vietnamese nail ladies talk a bunch of smack about every yuppy snatch in the room. Being Vietnamese with a bob haircut that makes my face look like a huge Chinese egg tart gives me a special power when I'm in nail salons: I understand everything that the nail techs are saying, but they don't know that I know because they think I'm a Chinese egg tart. It was a particularly exciting day yesterday because the young woman next to me came in for a polish change with dirty feet! I love when it's dirty feet day, because that's about as mad as they can get. The poor nail lady was in a conundrum because she couldn't wash the girl's feet first because she only wanted the $12 polish change, so she had to hold this girl's nasty feet the whole time and for 20 minutes all I can hear is a gaggle of Asian women scream the word "cheap" and how gross her big toe nail had grown to. So in case you were wondering whether or not you should wash your feet before you go for a pedi, you should. And in case you were wondering if they notice your your sour and crusty fee, they do. And if you are ever asking yourself "are they talking about me?" or "are they laughing at me?" or "are they commenting on how dirty and vile my feet are?" or "do they notice how much I tip after handling my crusty feet?" The answers to all of those questions are "yes." So, just make it a rule to always wash your feet before heading over and don't wear socks either. Last time it was a pedi and socks day all I could hear was a gaggle of Asian women scream "smelly" while laughing maniacally in the girl's face as the girl mouthed the words "what happened?" Because if you think you're that girl, you probably are.
Sometimes I get these inbounds from photographers that want to do photoshoots with me, which is really nice and flattering because my moon face is pretty hard to photograph without making it look like a moon face. Well, it's flattering up to the part where they want to charge me $100 for one outfit shoot and it's a minimum of THREE OUTFITS that will be photographed ALL IN ONE DAY. WHAT?! Which makes me wonder if this is the normal course of blogging business. Maybe they don't know how MY outfit shoots go. I typically wake up, and at around 10:00 a.m. I make my husband take 15-20 minutes worth of pictures of me in an outfit. I scream and yell at him the entire time to not make me look like a Hobbit and I complain and whine about how my face is the approximate size of a full moon. Then I change into comfortable shoes and we go for a coffee and breakfast burrito. It's really fun. So you can see how strange it is for me to have to put on three really cute outfits and shoot for hours on end with someone I have to be nice to and then pay them money for some photos of (let's be honest) me being totally obnoxious. How does that saying go? "A model should never get out of bed for anything less than a free breakfast burrito?"
(Text originally posted on 1/2/14)
There's something strange about coming back after celebrating Christmas and New Year's, and by strange I mean incredibly depressing and sad. Everyone is all partied out, you have to throw away your Christmas tree, put all your Christmas ornaments away, recover from your hangovers and then go back to work...on a Thursday! You're looking back and thinking about the year that went by and all the things that you didn't accomplish and now you're going to start another year off with a juice cleanse that will mean nothing, because "green juice" is actually not a magic potion that will take away your dependency on french fries. Not to mention those people that do those "I'm so grateful for..." posts that lists a thousand accomplishments, but that you (let's be real) can't stand reading, but you do anyways just so you can judge them for being narcissistic assholes. Breaking news: nobody cares. All your holiday joy is basically rotting out on the curb and there's not another huge holiday in sight.
All kidding aside, it's not all bad. Here's looking at you President's Day.