Nobody ever told me that potty training would cause me to feel such a deep sense of torment, failure, and the need to gouge out my own eyes at the site of an empty clean potty. That I would be ecstatic at the site of human shit in a tiny toilet. That, my bathroom has basically turned into a toilet spa for my toddler's pooping comfort complete with a small baby toilet for peeing, baby toilet seat for big toilet pooping, a mini portable toilet for outside, disposable toilet seat covers and a plastic "outside" toilet seat cover. I'm sorry, but I'm just going to go there and have a "when I was a kid moment". When I was a kid and I had to pee outside, my parents pulled over to a parking lot and made me squat on the ground to pee and then I would cry when the pee touched my shoes--which it always did. Butt comfort was never even a thought for me!
But all this aside, I am now properly past the mental anguish of having to relive potty training, where I can give you some tips on what NOT to do to successfully potty train your child.
1. Do not entice your child to sit on the toilet by giving her M&M's unless you want her to eat 2 pounds of M&M's before standing up and peeing next to the toilet.
2. Do not have her sit on the toilet in the hope that she might pee while you guys are painting, watching Moana, singing, drawing, dancing for her or reading her 3 Peppa Pig books...unless you want to sit there with her she finishes all these fun activities and she stands up and pees next to the toilet.
3. Do not give away all the "pee pee" toys (i.e. Peppa pig house, sticker packs, Moana doll, Kristy Yamaguchi's new children's book) unless you want her to run to her toilet sit down and scream "pee pee toy please" and then have her stand up and pee next to her toilet after receiving them.
After days of all the wrong things, on the fifth day when I realized it's not the rewards of candy and Kristy Yamaguchi books that help her learn, it's how disgusting it is to pee and shit all over herself that would make her learn, I let her do just that. And that's all it took, a few days of pee on her feet and she ran over to her toilet, peed and hasn't looked back since. To this day, she still looks at her Peppa Pig house and calls it her "pee pee toy" which in her world I think means "the toy I got for beating my parents at their own game and not peeing at all in the toilet." I'm looking forward to a whole lifetime of these kinds of toys. Next up, her "tutu toys" or what we know as her "you have to wear ANYTHING other than your tutu" toys. Yup, I got this parenting thing down. #buytheirlove