I have once again renewed my plans to single-handledly bring down J. Crew. Why? Because they are ridiculous. Ridiculous and also at the same time geniuses. Cruel, evil, geniuses.
They have decided to prey on the most vulnerable class of women--the insecure, slightly chubby, cardigan wearing, Tory Burch loving, I-will-pay-for-any-and-all-things-paisley-and-pastel women. And now they are convincing these same women that this dress with plastic beads is worth $3,500.00. It's $3,500.00 and it doesn't even have Gucci, Chanel, or any other repectable logo painted all over it. That's because it's from J.Crew.
This means that if you bought this dress, you would say to anyone who cared to ask, that you bought this dress for $3,500.00 from J.Crew! "Is that Dolce? Chloe? Marc Jacobs? Oh, No, J.Crew." J.CREW?!?!? It's maddening. If that doesn't sound ridiculous to you, then in the words of Derek Zoolander's fashion nemesis, Mugatu, "I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!"
But I hope that this is not the case. I hope that women are not being fooled by J.Crew and the pretentious bitches that thought they could get away with this. Therefore, I'm starting a revolt. I am going to single-handedly bring down J.Crew by supporting places that sell the same exact clothes. So, Gap, Old Navy, and JC Penney I throw my support to you. However, I will take it all back if the one woman who decided to buy this dress comes forward and gives me even one good reason why she bought this dress. Then, I will offer her some water for the copious amounts of drugs that she must be taking.
From the sunny hills of Hollywood to Orange County to the beautiful San Francisco Bay, I'm back to give you all things awesome to awfully roach. And it could not have come at a better time, because tis the season to freeze your butt off in a hoochie dress while standing in line for a hip holiday party.
Unlike guys in their long tacky leather jackets over their striped black button-ups, girls are never, ever, ever aloud to wear a jacket or any type of outerwear that can 1) warm them up or 2) cover up their hoochie dress. It's the rules--lest she be destroyed. What's even more irritating isn't the actual cold, but those same stupid guys in their leather jackets that ask you if you're cold. YES YOU IDIOT, OF COURSE I'M COLD--GIVE ME THAT HIDEOUS JACKET!
I love Polos. I love them in every color and every brand. They're comfortable, they're cute and most importantly, you can pop their collars at any moment. But there is nobody on this planet Earth that loves polos more than Dads. More specifically, balding dads with their red baseball caps, chinos, and navy polos. And these very same dads love nothing more than to be wearing their navy polos COMPLETELY tucked into their chinos. I simply do not understand. Like moms who suddenly have an affinity for cropped pants and pastel, when a guy passes the age of 35 and becomes Dad, his polos end up tucked into stonewashed tapered jeans with a black belt around his nipples. I mean the the red cap covering the receding hairline--fine. The chinos because you can't wear boot-cut, stylishly damaged Diesel jeans--I'll accept that too. But what is the benefit of tucking in your polos and buttoning them up to your neck? The answer to that is nothing. Nothing, except that it's roach. So there, if there ever was a reason to dump your hubby for a younger guy there it is. Ruining polos for everyone. Well that and man-dals (roach male sandals with all the slits and Nike swooshes everywhere--ick). And if they're worn together, get yourself an Ashton Kutcher pronto! Cause even a lifetime of trucker hats is better than cargo shorts and man-dals.
