Bandage Dresses: So What if I Can't Breathe!

cleopatra dressbandage dress3Herve Leger makes some amazing dresses--mostly because you have to have magic powers in order to shrink your body to wear them.  We all want them, but we all fear them.  This past weekend I was in Vegas and decided that I would try on an Herve Leger bandage dress because I wanted to feel all Halle Berry.  And I have to say, I did not succeed.  That is because I was better than Halle Berry!  When I put on that shimmery gold one shoulder bandage dress, I felt like Cleopatra in the midst of all who worshipped her and how totally hot she was.  It was so incredible to have the power of pretty.  Approximately 1 minute after having that moment, my eyes went black cause I can't really hold my breath for that long.  Plus it was all I could do from vomiting from all my stomach contents pushed up to my neck.  But oh the feeling.  Highly recommend! (But not if you're fat, cause then you'll die--for sure).

The Target Market

I have these cute gladiator sandals that are just adorable. I bought them about a year ago and I absolutely love them.  Well, I loved them until I saw approximately 2,375,857 in them.  I wondered how in just a year so many people had them.  Honestly, I really didn't care up until I saw some mom in capris and a pastel shirt wearing my sandals.  That was when I knew something was up.  It turns out that these same sandals shown above, have been mass produced by Target! Ok, everyone calm down and stop trying to shank me because you assume that I think I'm better than Target.  I don't think that I'm better than Target.  I love Target.  I love going there to buy soap, garbage bags, shower curtains, and toothpaste.  However, notice in that sentence I did not say I like going there to buy hoochie tops, dresses and sandals.  This is because most of the clothes and sandals there are roach.  Yes, this goes for those "designer" clothes for Go International for Target too.  Let's be honest, those "designer" clothes by Alexander McQueen or Jovovich-Hawk aren't exactly flying off the shelves.  Let's be even more honest, Alexander McQueen wouldn't exactly be Alexander McQueen if he were a designer for Target.  To be perfectly frank, I know that when you look at those designer clothes you're thinking exactly the same thing that I am thinking: those designer clothes look like Target clothes! That's because they ARE Target clothes!  The fashion lesson to be learned today is that once you see your beloved sandals at Target, that is the time you should retire them and let them die.  To assist you, I have compiled a list of other things that I have seen from Target that now has to die: Juicy tube dresses, fringe mocassins and various Steve Madden sandals.  Wear at your own peril.

Power Rings!

power ringsSo what does an Amazon woman, a gigantic barbarian and a curly-haired Hobbit have in common?  Awesome accessories.  Wonder Woman had her gold indestructible bracelets, He-Man his glittering sword, and Frodo his magical ring of power.  This means that to be a superhero, all you need is 1. come from a magical world and 2. have a really awesome and beautiful accessory.  For now, lets just pass on number 1 and move straight into number 2--obtaining a really amazing piece of jewelry.  I myself just bought myself a Power Ring, and I suggest to anyone out there to do the same because it is not only awesome because there's  diamonds in it, but also because it reminds you to BE awesome as well.  For instance, your power ring can empower you find love, or to live out your dreams, or recycle more, or to quit your job because your boss is an asshole and gave you a bonus of $2.00 that was to be split in two payments!  Plus, I feel like the Godfather in my power ring--especially when I hold out my hand and make my boyfriend kiss my ring a la Marlon Brando. Whatever the reason, your Power Ring will empower you to do be better because it's pretty (like you) and mainly because if you don't succeed then you'll just be wearing a really expensive Failure Ring--and that would make you more pathetic than before. I know that there are people out there that think that buying things can't fix your problems. But then these are also the same people that say being pretty can't fix your problems.  Lies... it totally can!

Hurt So Good

Hurt So Good
I recenty got these black Miss Sixty gladiator shoes in the middle and I am totally obsessed with them.  They make me feel all Joan Jett cool but without the mullet.  There are however, two minor problems with these shoes.  The first problem is, the only thing that I look cool wearing them with are leggings. The second minor problem is that they make my feet bleed like a hemophiliac. Why, dear God, why do cute shoes ALWAYS have to hurt?  It's just another curse that cute girls have to deal with.  So now, after wearing the these shoes for just one night, I have two scars on my Achilles heel.  But, while my boyfriend was carrying me and my bloodied feet home that night, I knew that I loved them.  So, I am going to wipe the blood off of these puppies and take the pain for being vain, because before I know it, I'm going to be 57 in an Easy Spirit buying shoes for...comfort. Eeks.  (I have also included pictures of other similarly cute shoes that will cause scarring and blistering when worn--but that are also totally awesome.)