I have attempted to stop my madness regarding JCrew and their outrageous prices for outrageously roach clothes. I almost wanted to even forgive JCrew for taking advantage of the average cardigan-wearing woman. But how can I do so when an abomination such as this dress exists? And how can I do so when this abomination exists at the low low price of $2,000.00!!!! There is no way that I can turn a blind eye from this feathers and rosette nightmare. The feathers on the skirt, with the ruffle rosettes on top, and that paper mache looking fabric?! It's so weird! Not to mention totally roach. I am so done with JCrew couture. I mean, JCrew should stop pretending like they're Marc Jacobs and start acting like they're Gap. I am convinced that JCrew is doing this on purpose. It's like when rich people get so rich that they get other people to cut their toenails for them every Tuesdays and Thursdays. JCrew is gotten so powerful selling cardigans that they don't give a crap anymore; they're just gonna sell really ridiculous clothes at ridiculous prices. It's so maddening, like this dress. There is no self-respecting woman that would wear this dress past the age of 7--the age when you're obsessed with making dresses out of paper mache.
Above is a $3,000.00 wedding dress from J.Crew. $3,000.00!! From J.Crew! It shouldn't even be called a dress, it should just be called ruffles. I am absolutely flabbergasted at a designer who would design such an abomination to not only wedding dresses, but to ruffles. And kudos to the chick that bought it and thought she wouldn't look fat and also ridiculous in it. Major kudos to the gal that sold the dress to the bride and convinced her that she would not be ridiculed endlessly by her frenemies and would be forever known as "ruffles" for the rest of her life. And snaps to the guy that married the chick that bought this dress because he had to pretend that the tears that he was shedding were not tears of utter disappointment for marrying an idiot who just flushed $3,000.00 down the drain on a bunch of ruffles. All in all, this dress is a completely amazing example of how human manipulation works because obviously a normal person with eyes would not buy this dress out of their own free will for $3,000.00. If you think that I'm wrong or if you think this dress is cute, please let me know. I need to save you. God only knows how much more money you're tossing out the window on stuff like ruffles, cowboy boots and any clothing that says "princess" on it. Eeeks.
I have once again renewed my plans to single-handledly bring down J. Crew. Why? Because they are ridiculous. Ridiculous and also at the same time geniuses. Cruel, evil, geniuses. They have decided to prey on the most vulnerable class of women--the insecure, slightly chubby, cardigan wearing, Tory Burch loving, I-will-pay-for-any-and-all-things-paisley-and-pastel women. And now they are convincing these same women that this dress with plastic beads is worth $3,500.00. It's $3,500.00 and it doesn't even have Gucci, Chanel, or any other repectable logo painted all over it. That's because it's from J.Crew.
This means that if you bought this dress, you would say to anyone who cared to ask, that you bought this dress for $3,500.00 from J.Crew! "Is that Dolce? Chloe? Marc Jacobs? Oh, No, J.Crew." J.CREW?!?!? It's maddening. If that doesn't sound ridiculous to you, then in the words of Derek Zoolander's fashion nemesis, Mugatu, "I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!"
But I hope that this is not the case. I hope that women are not being fooled by J.Crew and the pretentious bitches that thought they could get away with this. Therefore, I'm starting a revolt. I am going to single-handedly bring down J.Crew by supporting places that sell the same exact clothes. So, Gap, Old Navy, and JC Penney I throw my support to you. However, I will take it all back if the one woman who decided to buy this dress comes forward and gives me even one good reason why she bought this dress. Then, I will offer her some water for the copious amounts of drugs that she must be taking.
I have decided that I want to single-handedly bring down J.Crew for emotionally manipulating the public into believing that they are allowed to charge high fashion prices for Gap clothes. This jacket is $2000. Yes, yet another roach jacket from J.Crew for 2G's. It's "hand-combed" Italian cashmere. Like me, you probably don't care if this cashmere is from Italy, or that it is hand-combed. I wouldn't even care if the hairs of the jacket were hand sheared by an Italian woman from the arms and legs of babies, nobody should pay $2000 for this jacket or anything else from J.Crew. I don't know where J.Crew has the balls to set these prices. It's like they think they're Prada except with cardigans and baby tees. So I ask you to stop the madness, and stop buying J.Crew! Go down five stores to a place called Gap, where jackets are mass-made and cost $39.99. Now, I know that this rant has less to do with fashion and more to do with my maniacal plan to rebel against J.Crew and so I will remedy that with one of my beloved fashion inside tips: Wear fake eyelashes when you party because they are the source of all my power, and if you don't wear them, then get DiorShow mascara by Dior--it's the best thing to come in a tube, for your eyes, pretty much ever.