Oxfords, Not Brogues Unless...

Club Monaco sweater, Tularosa shorts, Zara shoes, Dior sunglasses, Chanel bag

Club Monaco sweater, Tularosa shorts, Zara shoes, Dior sunglasses, Chanel bag

I have a rule where when Colin Firth says something, I listen. Not only because he's super hot, but because he's Mr. Darcy, and you ALWAYS listen to Mr. Darcy. So when Colin Firth tells me that a self-respecting man only wears "oxfords, not brogues" I listen. I listen until I see a pair of of silver platform creeper brogues. Then, I would have to think that Colin Firth probably didn't mean these brogues and that a self-respecting man would be crazy not to grab a pair of these from Zara and declare them absolutely amazing. Thanks Mr. Darcy, I knew you were a reasonable man. 

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Wear White To Work Day

My second favorite Monday night show to watch is The Bachelor (second to Vanderpump Rules, of course!). The entire time I was watching the finale, all I could think was how romantic it was that Chris was forced to pick Whitney even though he was actually in love with Becca but couldn't pick her because she essentially dumped him in the fantasy suite by saying that she did not love him and that there was no way in hell she would move to Arlington-The-Mall-Is-70-Miles-Away-And-The-Only-Place-To-Buy-Coffee-Is-From-A-Creepy-Guy-Brewing-It-In-His-Backyard-Every-Morning, USA. I love when love works out. 

Bite Me

Dating in the modern world is hard. You've got profiles, pictures, and dating questionnaires even before you get the chance to embarrass yourself in person. From here, you're already judging them how much money they make, those mandals they wore, or that really bad "your mama's so fat" joke that they thought was just SO FUNNY. This means that the fun discovery process of finding out all this stuff is taken away and the only thing left to discover about the other person are their annoying habits, like how they slurp their soup and go "ahhh" after. I have a friend that's dating a guy right now where every time she asks him to share a bite of his food, before he gives it to her, he will 1. look at it first 2. take a bite and then 3. offer her whatever bite is left. I don't know about you, but from a person that gets all the bites, I find this to be incredibly offensive. First because you realize that the bite that he took was presumably, and for all intents and purposes, the best bite and that he HAD TO get it before you got it, and all the bites that are left are presumably far less tasty than the one he's chewing on in his annoying mouth. This realization will then, of course, lead you to the Titanic scenario: would his ass be in a dress and wig so he can get in one of those lifeboats with Celine Dion, leaving you stuck with with all those second class citizens below?! Now, I'm sure the guy has other amazing qualities; maybe he takes the best bite but then goes out and buys her Louis Vuitton bags. But, short of that, I don't know how I could look at this dude during a meal and not want to punch his teeth out. Tell him to "bite me" or let it slide for the next 50 years? You tell me.    

Spy Game

Yesterday I was at the nail salon getting my Tet New Year red mani and pedi, which is a great time for me because I get to relax and do my all time favorite thing which is ear hustle Vietnamese nail ladies talk a bunch of smack about every yuppy snatch in the room. Being Vietnamese with a bob haircut that makes my face look like a huge Chinese egg tart gives me a special power when I'm in nail salons: I understand everything that the nail techs are saying, but they don't know that I know because they think I'm a Chinese egg tart. It was a particularly exciting day yesterday because the young woman next to me came in for a polish change with dirty feet! I love when it's dirty feet day, because that's about as mad as they can get. The poor nail lady was in a conundrum because she couldn't wash the girl's feet first because she only wanted the $12 polish change, so she had to hold this girl's nasty feet the whole time and for 20 minutes all I can hear is a gaggle of Asian women scream the word "cheap" and how gross her big toe nail had grown to. So in case you were wondering whether or not you should wash your feet before you go for a pedi, you should. And in case you were wondering if they notice your your sour and crusty fee, they do. And if you are ever asking yourself "are they talking about me?" or "are they laughing at me?" or "are they commenting on how dirty and vile my feet are?" or "do they notice how much I tip after handling my crusty feet?" The answers to all of those questions are "yes." So, just make it a rule to always wash your feet before heading over and don't wear socks either. Last time it was a pedi and socks day all I could hear was a gaggle of Asian women scream "smelly" while laughing maniacally in the girl's face as the girl mouthed the words "what happened?" Because if you think you're that girl, you probably are. 

Hermes, David Yurman bracelets, Shinola watch, my own rings

Hermes, David Yurman bracelets, Shinola watch, my own rings