Bite Me

Dating in the modern world is hard. You've got profiles, pictures, and dating questionnaires even before you get the chance to embarrass yourself in person. From here, you're already judging them how much money they make, those mandals they wore, or that really bad "your mama's so fat" joke that they thought was just SO FUNNY. This means that the fun discovery process of finding out all this stuff is taken away and the only thing left to discover about the other person are their annoying habits, like how they slurp their soup and go "ahhh" after. I have a friend that's dating a guy right now where every time she asks him to share a bite of his food, before he gives it to her, he will 1. look at it first 2. take a bite and then 3. offer her whatever bite is left. I don't know about you, but from a person that gets all the bites, I find this to be incredibly offensive. First because you realize that the bite that he took was presumably, and for all intents and purposes, the best bite and that he HAD TO get it before you got it, and all the bites that are left are presumably far less tasty than the one he's chewing on in his annoying mouth. This realization will then, of course, lead you to the Titanic scenario: would his ass be in a dress and wig so he can get in one of those lifeboats with Celine Dion, leaving you stuck with with all those second class citizens below?! Now, I'm sure the guy has other amazing qualities; maybe he takes the best bite but then goes out and buys her Louis Vuitton bags. But, short of that, I don't know how I could look at this dude during a meal and not want to punch his teeth out. Tell him to "bite me" or let it slide for the next 50 years? You tell me.