Bandage Dresses: So What if I Can't Breathe!

Herve Leger makes some amazing dresses--mostly because you have to have magic powers in order to shrink your body to wear them.  We all want them, but we all fear them.  This past weekend I was in Vegas and decided that I would try on an Herve Leger bandage dress because I wanted to feel all Halle Berry.  And I have to say, I did not succeed.  That is because I was better than Halle Berry!  When I put on that shimmery gold one shoulder bandage dress, I felt like Cleopatra in the midst of all who worshipped her and how totally hot she was.  It was so incredible to have the power of pretty.  Approximately 1 minute after having that moment, my eyes went black cause I can't really hold my breath for that long.  Plus it was all I could do from vomiting from all my stomach contents pushed up to my neck.  But oh the feeling.  Highly recommend! (But not if you're fat, cause then you'll die--for sure).

Most Ridiculous J-Crew Buy of the Week

I have attempted to stop my madness regarding JCrew and their outrageous prices for outrageously roach clothes.  I almost wanted to even forgive JCrew for taking advantage of the average cardigan-wearing woman.  But how can I do so when an abomination such as this dress exists? And how can I do so when this abomination exists at the low low price of $2,000.00!!!!  There is no way that I can turn a blind eye from this feathers and rosette nightmare.  The feathers on the skirt, with the ruffle rosettes on top, and that paper mache looking fabric?! It's so weird! Not to mention totally roach.  I am so done with JCrew couture.  I mean, JCrew should stop pretending like they're Marc Jacobs and start acting like they're Gap. I am convinced that JCrew is doing this on purpose.  It's like when rich people get so rich that they get other people to cut their toenails for them every Tuesdays and Thursdays.  JCrew is gotten so powerful selling cardigans that they don't give a crap anymore; they're just gonna sell really ridiculous clothes at ridiculous prices.  It's so maddening, like this dress. There is no self-respecting woman that would wear this dress past the age of 7--the age when you're obsessed with making dresses out of paper mache.

Buy of the Week/Year: Valentino Flower Purse

This bag is so amazing, that it cannot only be the buy of the week, but I am going to make it the first Buy of the Century.  The flower: whimsical and chic even though you're carrying a huge gigantic flower for no reason.  The leather: so soft it's like human baby skin.  We needs it, and we have to have it!  I'm totally having a "my precious" Gollum moment right now.  And like him, I will not be ashamed to gnaw off some chick's arm to get this bag.  Just saying.

P.S. I am also in love with this Dolce and Gabbana bag.  It has a pink plastic chain shoulder handle!  What can I say, I fall in love easily.