Why Guys, Why?

I need to know what the meaning of this is. Men wearing tapered jeans as if it is not totally and completely offensive. Like Mom Jeans, men’s tapered pants have absolutely no functionality whatsoever other than making the man look absolutely roach. And for some reason, tapered jeans are always stonewashed and paired with those roach black lumberjack shoes and a blue patterned wool sweater. It’s like they’re about to go off to hunt feral cats or something. Totally weird. If you are a man who thinks this looks good, remind yourself now that it does not. It never did, not even when Jordan Knight wore them. Step into a new era by tossing out those tapered jeans and hiking shoes. Open your eyes and realize that this is an era where pants go over the shoes now and trade in those damaged Wranglers for Diesel jeans. I promise, you won't be sorry because you men will notice that when women look at you, they won’t be making weird faces at your ankles and then smirking to their hot friends about how they saw that exact same outfit on the guy that sells comic books, plays Magic and eats Cheetos while drinking Pepsi from a 2-liter and sporting a mullet. In other words, we have to let tapered jeans RIP.

Most Ridiculously Overpriced Buy of the Week

This cashmere jacket is from J.Crew and it is $2000. Yes, $2000 for just the jacket alone and it's not even that cute. I think that J.Crew has completely spun out of control. I guess they figure, if a girl will spend $50 on a plastic headband, then they would spend $2000 on a roach gray blazer. It's not even bedazzled.

A Backpack AND a Purse?!

I had a backpack that I absolutely loved. It was pink with a Cabbage Patch doll head on it and I wanted to take it everywhere and carry everything in it. I was five and completely out of touch with the real world, which is why I find it so disconcerting that grown women will carry a backpack as a purse and pretend like its not roach. Because it is—completely roach. It wasn’t ok for me to carry my Cabbage Patch doll head backpack as a purse then, and it’s not ok for a grown woman to carry a backpack as a purse now. I did have a momentary lapse in the early 90’s when I proudly carried a Polo backpack purse after seeing Brenda on 90210 sport one while beating down Kelly in a catfight with it. But I quickly threw it out, along with “Hammer” pants and scrunchies. I suggest you do the same or attach a Cabbage Patch kid head to it and send a little asian girl off to school with it.

Buy of the Week

Compare Christian Louboutin's stacked heel pump for $735 (on bottom) with Jessica Simpson's cork stacked heel pump for $78.95 (on top). That Jessica doesn't know much about tuna, but she definitely knows shoes.