It's always funny to me when people are on a relaxing vacation with nothing to do and no work to think about what they will give their attention to. For me, my attention goes straight to all the other strange vacationers around me and getting embroiled in their everyday dramas. I know their schedules, where they like to lounge, whether they like sun or shade, what drinks they will order and who they will harass once they get bored. For example, I know that "Frumpa Dumps" will want the bed closest to the entrance so they can grab snacks easy. Mrs. Frumpa Dumps gets especially irritated if you bring her a beer and lemonade and (how dare they) it's a frozen lemonade. The "Ed Hardy Party" and the "Bug-a-Boos" (because they bug) are pretty normal, delightful pudgy Canadians until they get their first 10:00 am tequila sunrise in which case they turn into nacho-eating, crazed, entitled fatties ordering around the staff like they're the upstairs crew at Downton. Lords and Ladies they are not. And of course, "Crank Tank" gets up at the crack of dawn to save herself the best bed in the pool at 7:30 am, but will turn her anger on you when you stroll in at 11:00 am to the bed next door that you got because you used your Asian brain and reserved it by asking the nice pool man to do it for you for 50 pesos. There's also "iPod" who will plug their music into every bar and restaurant on the resort and force you to listen to their mid-life crisis house music. But my absolute favorite to watch was "Beefcake". He was a beautiful beefy Australian man who was on a romantic tryst with an American ex-housewife. It was very clear that he was out of her league, so everything they did was done under this veil of desperate love she had for him. At one point, she left the pool bed to sit on a lounge chair, until some hotties rolled in and then she was right back on the pool bed because she was a 45 year old divorcee, who as you know, are basically like wild animals. This woman was like a wildebeest, and this wildebeest was going protect her Tasmanian Beefcake.
These dramas have been my world for the last 7 days and I'm sincere in saying I'm going to miss it! So, my last frothy Miami Vice is dedicated to Frumpa Dumps, Ed Hardy Party, Bug-A-Boos, Crank Tank, iPod and Beefcake. May you always be a pain in the ass wherever you go because I'll be watching.