Recently, whilst mundanely shopping for jeans, I came across something curious–Raw Denim. It looks like normal denim, except, it’s way weirder and takes a lot more work. Yes, I said “work”. Work before you are actually able to wear your jeans out in public. The origins of raw denim, I assume, stem from the days when cowboys wore their jeans to wrangle animals, wallow in horse poop, and then sleep in these same jeans as if they were their second skin. Of course, back then, you were probably only allowed one pair of pants, so it WAS his second skin. Which is why it confuses me when a guy, living in a land of plenty, would ever consider buying raw denim because there’s a lot of craziness involved. First, you have to buy them seven sizes larger for shrinkage. Second, you have to soak them in a bath of warm water for like two hours–while you’re wearing them–so they will mold to your body!! After about 17 soaks and your legs are all dyed blue, you are to wear them every single day for six months without washing them. Then, by the grace of God, these jeans will hopefully fit, your legs will not have suffered any permanent damage from the dye, and will not have looked like a total douche for going through this ridiculous process when you could have just went two aisles down and picked up normal jeans…that are pre-shrunk, and pre-normal. Maybe it’s a guy’s way of feeling cool again like a cowboy. Except, cool without the wrangling, or the horses, or anything that makes cowboys cool. So really, you’re just left with filthy roach jeans. Cool or just inconvenient? I think the answer is obvious, and it’s not cool.
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1. Wear all black. Black has many benefits like, hiding your cottage cheese thighs and slimming your muffin top. I don’t think I need to sell you anymore on black. Anything that makes a chick have to suck in less has to be a plus. I should know, I haven’t taken full breath of air since 1993. 2. Big sunglasses. Big sunglasses will always be in because Audrey Hepburn will always be in. Everyone dreams of being Holly Golightly a la Breakfast at Tiffanys, and what we always remember is her in that tiara and those big sunglasses. So, since it’s not socially acceptable to walk around in tiaras and be a snotty bitch, grab a pair of big sunglasses to go with your Audrey Hepburn all black ensemble. 3. Big earrings. Big earrings are super fun because they’re so huge. Any simple outfit can be ultra awesome with some big earrings. Plus, big earrings shows that you have big cajones–just saying. 4. Converse. No, you will not be roaming around the city in your cutest heels when you’re on a budget because you won’t be buying heels for a very long time. So save those heels for a night out and grab yourself some Chucks. Outfit example: boyfriend blazer, plain white tee, skinny jeans and Chucks = Super Cute. 5. Plain white tees. White tees go with anything and everything. White men’s tees, white button downs, white tank tees…there’s no going wrong with white. Well, unless there’s ring around the collar or pit stains–not sexy. I guess you can go wrong with white. Of course if you’re letting yourself sweat into a tizzy to cause pit stains, there’s really not much help I can give you anyways. In that case, eliminate all white. There you have it. 5 items that are cheap, but will still be chic for many years to come. We loves it (until we have money again).   I have been living in San Francisco for over a year now and I have to tell you, it’s fascinating. I’m not going to bore you with where to find the best crepes or brunch places in the city, because nobody cares and I have discovered something far more interesting. I live in Nerdville, USA. But not the kind of nerds that fantasize about Manga chicks, eat Cheetos and drink Mountain Dew out of a two-liter bottle. I live in the land of Engineering Nerds–a single gal’s goldmine because they’re so reliable and safe, and most importantly have tons of engineering money that they are dying to spend. The drawback: they look like your 57 year old father. Investigating deeper, I noticed that all engineers own only one outfit. Their uniform of choice always consists of a polo TUCKED IN to their pleated khakis, Kenneth Cole square-toed black shoes, and the black Banana Republic jacket from 1997–the last year they cared about what they looked like. And what if they run out of polos you ask? Not to worry, they always have their company t-shirts to fall back on! Yes! Their supplemental clothes are clothes that say Microsoft or Google on it!! It’s like they’ve voluntarily decided that they never want to have sex and pinned their own Scarlet Letters onto their polos. It’s so scary. So, engineering nerds, I beg of you to stop tucking in your polos and wear any clothes that have the words “Apple”, “Google” or “Yahoo!” on it, because it’s not sexy. In fact, it’s kinda creepy. Take a cue from that chic nerd pictured on the right. Take time away from your World of Warcraft or Dungeons and Dragons, go out there and get yourself some cardigans and Chucks! This world could be your oyster if you just looked cooler and stop dreaming about Middle Earth–where all the Hobbits were suspiciously effeminate.
  The world as I know it has finally changed. This is because I have accepted UGG’s into my daily life and my daily ensembles. And not even those really snazzy UGG’s that are gold with the cute buttons. Just the normal ones! I have to tell you, living a life with warm feet is pretty awesome, especially in the winter. I used to ridicule everyone that walked by in ugly comfortable clothes. Now, I will still continue to ridicule these people, but I will try not to enjoy it so much, because those people just want warm feet! One of my friends who is still resistant to UGGs asked me if there were boots that were cute and also comfy. And I will tell all of you what I told her, “no, there are not.” Sorry kiddies, those “cute” boots don’t exist. Like Santa Claus, unicorns, or that really hot waiter that you’re dating who swears he’s going to make something of himself, cute comfy boots are an urban legend. There can NEVER ever be anything that is cute and also comfy. So, go get those UGGs for the winter, your feet will thank you. And don’t even bother trying to be cute by buying those snazzy looking UGGs, cause those are still UGG. You might as well strap on a Snuggie while you’re at it. (P.S., no. you do NOT look like that hot girl in the pic who’s wearing UGGs)
It’s that time again where I show you how ridiculous JCrew is with their “couture” crap, in an attempt to single-handedly bring them down. This crap seen here is some sort of bronze jacquard dress that I honestly don’t really know where you would wear this to or in what era. I mean, the thing makes this tiny model look like a fatty and a peasant all at the same time. Imagine if a regular person wore this dress. She would look, well, huge. And bronze. The price you ask? Wait for it…$2,200.00!!!!! That’s TWO THOUSAND TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS!!! What the hell? When I see a crime like this dress, I feel like JCrew is personally trying to offend me, like the girl that wears a slutty white dress to a wedding. And like her, this dress and JCrew is insulting, maddening, spiteful and should DIE…at my hands!!! (What, too much?)
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How amazing is this dress from, wait for it…FOREVER 21!! It’s $22.00, gold lame (la-may), with gold lame flower embellishment. The trifecta of gold lamay-zingness!!! If this does not scream holiday party, I don’t know what does. I want it, and I want it now! And it’s the price of two lunches, which is perfect because you’re not going to need lunches if you want to fit into this dress. Happy Holidays!
Oh. My. God. The world has finally given up. People have completely surrendered their vanity for comfort. What else would explain these weird pink and blue hobo jackets? These women look like a demented scene from Napoleon Dynamite. One woman is ALONE watching tv in this “Snuggie” and the other woman is ALONE and pretending to talk on the phone with someone. I think these creepy pictures say it all. Here’s a tip, if you’re that cold and hanging out on the couch throw on a “blanket.” Blankets are just as warm as Snuggies and at the same time do not make you look like a serial killer.
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