Everytime I go shopping, I inevitably always make a stop at Old Navy. If any of my shopping companions ever ask if we should go in, I always answer “of course.” And to this very day, I don’t own one thing that I actually wear from Old Navy. So why do I go in? Because it always sounds like a good idea. I see the jungle of chinos and peasant tops and something in my brain clicks on, and I’m hopeful that I will find something good for 2 bucks–even though I never have before. Well, there’s a lot of stuff out there that sounds like a good idea to me, and yet I can’t make a decision on whether or not I like it. Here are a few, and feel free to give me your opinion on whether or not I should hate it.

1. Leggings– Actually I love leggings. I love them despite the fact that they make my legs look like old man walking sticks. What I’m not sure that I like are leggings underneath those short jean mini-skirts. I’m leaning towards roach and trashy, but you tell me.

2. Peasant Tops– They’re empire waisted, embroidered and sometimes even bedazzled. All three of these things, in theory, sound pretty good to me. But when I actually see a peasant top all I keep thinking is that they actually look like “peasant” tops.

3. Leg warmers– Ok this is one that I really really love. I have purchased two pairs of hot leg warmers when I was in Japan and I love them, and yet have still not rocked them. Deep down, I know that they’re roach, but I can’t let it go. I think they’re so cool with black stilletos–cool in a chic street walker kind of way.

4. Lil’ Kim jackets– The small puffy jackets with the fur on the hood. I’m not actually on the fence with this one. I love it, I own one, and don’t talk smack about it because I will throw down like a gangsta.

I need to know what the meaning of this is. Men wearing tapered jeans as if it is not totally and completely offensive. Like Mom Jeans, men’s tapered pants have absolutely no functionality whatsoever other than making the man look absolutely roach. And for some reason, tapered jeans are always stonewashed and paired with those roach black lumberjack shoes and a blue patterned wool sweater. It’s like they’re about to go off to hunt feral cats or something. Totally weird. If you are a man who thinks this looks good, remind yourself now that it does not. It never did, not even when Jordan Knight wore them. Step into a new era by tossing out those tapered jeans and hiking shoes. Open your eyes and realize that this is an era where pants go over the shoes now and trade in those damaged Wranglers for Diesel jeans. I promise, you won’t be sorry because you men will notice that when women look at you, they won’t be making weird faces at your ankles and then smirking to their hot friends about how they saw that exact same outfit on the guy that sells comic books, plays Magic and eats Cheetos while drinking Pepsi from a 2-liter and sporting a mullet. In other words, we have to let tapered jeans RIP.

This cashmere jacket is from J.Crew and it is $2000. Yes, $2000 for just the jacket alone and it’s not even that cute. I think that J.Crew has completely spun out of control. I guess they figure, if a girl will spend $50 on a plastic headband, then they would spend $2000 on a roach gray blazer. It’s not even bedazzled.

I had a backpack that I absolutely loved. It was pink with a Cabbage Patch doll head on it and I wanted to take it everywhere and carry everything in it. I was five and completely out of touch with the real world, which is why I find it so disconcerting that grown women will carry a backpack as a purse and pretend like its not roach. Because it is—completely roach. It wasn’t ok for me to carry my Cabbage Patch doll head backpack as a purse then, and it’s not ok for a grown woman to carry a backpack as a purse now. I did have a momentary lapse in the early 90’s when I proudly carried a Polo backpack purse after seeing Brenda on 90210 sport one while beating down Kelly in a catfight with it. But I quickly threw it out, along with “Hammer” pants and scrunchies. I suggest you do the same or attach a Cabbage Patch kid head to it and send a little asian girl off to school with it.

Compare Christian Louboutin’s stacked heel pump for $735 (on bottom) with Jessica Simpson’s cork stacked heel pump for $78.95 (on top). That Jessica doesn’t know much about tuna, but she definitely knows shoes.

On any given day, brunch at a trendy restaurant downtown in any city, in any state, will attract “easy like Sunday morning” eaters and loungers. Except, instead of those gorgeous Sex in the City gals in hot heels and hip cocktail attire by Dior or Dolce; you’ll notice instead capris, nikes and Hanes t-shirts in all colors pastel. It’s what I like to call The American Mom Uniform of Choice. For some reason, a once normal slick looking girl will turn to capris, pastel, and tennis shoes the second she begins to procreate. Why I ask. What would compel a girl to hang up her cute tops and regular length pants and choose to constantly look like they are in jammies? The answer is always “comfort.” Apparently comfort has lead young moms everywhere to t-shirts/culottes central.

Capri pants are of the unique nature that showoff the ugliest, most un-sexy part of a woman because they cut off right at the ankle. Sometimes moms will go more daring and sport the ones that cut off at the shins, attempting to be make them cool. It’s not cool. It’s never cool. In fact, they’re probably a hop, skip and a jump away from mu-mu’s and sweats. I am convinced that it is because of these moms that capris haven’t died yet. They’re trying to make the world believe that these pants are cute, stylish and comfortable so that they can get away with wearing them. But it’s not ok, and the first step is admitting it. Refuse to let comfort blind you into believing that pants that were invented as flood gear are ever a good idea. And that goes for capri’s fat cousin—the gaucho pant as well.

Granted, I don’t know anything about being a mom, but I do know a little something about clothes, and I know that unless paired with a hoochie top and heels, capris are never a good solution. There is a solution to this fashion paux pas phenomenon though and it is simple. Resist the temptation to throw on those calf-length khakis with that pastel pink tee. Like everything that tastes good in life, you must resist the temptation. Bring back those dark boot cut jeans and black cami. Slip into a pair of big dark glasses and put on some jewelry with a glint of gold and you’ll feel like you got your swag back. Don’t let domestic life demolish your style. You may not be a swinging single anymore, but that doesn’t mean you can’t look like a MILF.