Okay, so there is one thing that I hate more than moms in capri’s and pastel and it’s these Crocs. Apparently, they are supposed to be worn on your feet. These however not only do they not belong on the feet of any living being, but as quoted by JD, “I would not even stick those in my toilent because it would taint the bowl.” It’s as if people are trying to look roach on purpose and this goes way beyond that Boho Chic phase. I have been trying to wrap my brain around how these could possibly not look completely heinous and on what demented person. I mean even jelly shoes were cute at the time with jean shorts and a hot pink tee in the 80’s, except maybe when your pinky toe fell out of one of the jelly slits–but even so. Point is, there was a possibility that jelly shoes could be cute. Just like those weird seat belt purses, when on a person other than me, could be not-roach. I can even forgive those girls who wear UGGS with jean skirts. But, Crocs on the other hand, are probably the roachest, most worthless and infuriating fashion trend I have ever lived through. First of all, they’re rubber and they look like part gardening shoes and part bum shoes. Both of which have a longstanding tradition of being around a lot of poop. Second, what infuriates me the most is the fact that Crocs attempt to be cute by making them in pink and pearl. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but even if they came in gold, they would still be roach. So, if you get the itch to buy these because they’re “comfortable,” calm yourself, sit down, and then walk yourself over to the geriatric store because even geriatric shoes are probably cuter than these rubber Crocs. Plus, when you’re done with those white geriatrics, you can bedazzle them and then pass them down to grandma.
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Ask Joel: The Skinny on Skinny Jeans The reason is twofold: 1) these jeans leave absolutely nothing to the imagination; and 2) they make a woman’s (and potentially a man’s leg) look like a piece of dental floss complete with tooth gunk — the “knee”. A pant should allow room for movement. It should fit the leg, but not hug it like a Kuala hugging a ucalyptus tree. In the examples of the skinny jean I have seen, there has rarely been a defined butt and leg separation. But more of a crease where the lower buttock meets the leg and the skin bends and ripples during movement. This is not flattering. Clothes should help to accent bodies not blur the lines between parts and show them in their realistic state. If people wanted reality, why would they wear clothes? Ladies (and maybe gentlemen) it is time to rethink the skinny jeans. Be wicked. Be wild. Be wider than the latest fashion fad. j.d. (defining phashion since 11.06)
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Typically, if someone came up to me and said that they absolutely loved something from French Connection, I would have rolled my eyes and said “Lies!” This is because French Connection is nothing but high filooting, way too overpriced, wanna-be Club Monaco crap. But today my friends, I eat my words. Although, I still believe that FC is high filooting and way too overpriced, I cannot talk smack about the company that brought me this ultra slick, babydoll, glitterati disco dress. I assure you that this picture does not do this dress justice. In real life, it’s got sequins, it got gold, its teeny tiny, and it’s fantabulous with high high heels. It’s $198 and is perfect for every occassion. And if you still have doubts about this dress, just try it on and give it a twirl. Twirl like a little girl with new red shoes, and you will see the magic of the golden sequins.
Being a girl, I know how much we (girls) dress up to impress boys. So, I have petitioned a boy to comment on one of todays biggest trends–skinny jeans. On any given day you can find him in Converse shoes, a puffy jacket, and a face that looks like it is always illuminated by light–light that is emanating from his laptop companion. I also wanted to say that although I do not agree with Joel’s views, he still does have valid fashion opinions despite the fact that he shops at Eddie Bauer. And I also wanted to say–Skinny Jeans Rock!!!
Guys search far and wide for the perfect gift for the beloved women in their lives. And to this very day, even at this very second, it amazes me every time a guy wonders what to get his girlfriend. It’s like, did these guys grow up living under a rock that was stuffed up a panda’s butt?! Follow the blue/green box stupid! I don’t know a girl whose heart doesn’t beat a little faster and whose eyes don’t sparkle a little brighter when they are presented that Tiffany’s box with the perfect white bow. So, climb out from under that rock and get her this bracelet. The floating heart, the teardrop, the wave, the bean and the starfish–all in that beautiful 18k gold! Geeezus, it couldn’t get any better if it came with Paul Walker shirtless on the beach. It’s $1,800, and if you’re a guy you better not be gasping because this bracelet is gonna buy you another 6 months with your girl–Schmuck!
I have decided that I want to single-handedly bring down J.Crew for emotionally manipulating the public into believing that they are allowed to charge high fashion prices for Gap clothes. This jacket is $2000. Yes, yet another roach jacket from J.Crew for 2G’s. It’s “hand-combed” Italian cashmere. Like me, you probably don’t care if this cashmere is from Italy, or that it is hand-combed. I wouldn’t even care if the hairs of the jacket were hand sheared by an Italian woman from the arms and legs of babies, nobody should pay $2000 for this jacket or anything else from J.Crew. I don’t know where J.Crew has the balls to set these prices. It’s like they think they’re Prada except with cardigans and baby tees. So I ask you to stop the madness, and stop buying J.Crew! Go down five stores to a place called Gap, where jackets are mass-made and cost $39.99. Now, I know that this rant has less to do with fashion and more to do with my maniacal plan to rebel against J.Crew and so I will remedy that with one of my beloved fashion inside tips: Wear fake eyelashes when you party because they are the source of all my power, and if you don’t wear them, then get DiorShow mascara by Dior–it’s the best thing to come in a tube, for your eyes, pretty much ever.
Tis the season for Christmas parties and Christmas party dresses galore. No gal should ever be stuck in a red tafetta nightmare on the holiest day of the year. So, go out and wear something hot and chiffon like this dress from Nordstrom. It’s only $62 dollars, so now you can’t even say that you wore a roach dress because you couldn’t afford something nice. Plus, there’s built in bling with the silver neckline. Jewelry and a dress in one? You can’t go wrong.
The holidays are coming and we are all feeling the pressure to buy all kinds of cool stuff for the people that we love and the people that we want to suck up to. For all these wonderful people, I have no idea what the perfect present would be. But I do know if one these important people is a woman, what the absolute wrong present would be. And that present would be a boombox bag. It’s a boombox, it’s a bag and it’s probably one of the roachest most wasteful uses of plastic and PVC I have ever seen. Now, I’m not saying that this present is not perfect for everyone. If you’re a 13 year-old girl who wears board shorts and flip flops and still chews Bubble Yum then there is a possibility that a boombox bag is perfect. But, if you’re a 23 year old law student who has a blog about fashion–then a boombox bag as a Christmas gift serves only one purpose: spite. I know this because, when I was 23 I got this boombox bag as a Christmas gift from a person that I had broken up with the week before, that worked quite well in spiting me. What you do not see from the picture is that on the other side of the boombox bag, there were the letters g-e-t-t-o faux spray painted on. Yes, I agree it is not only “getto” but it’s also ghetto. And with that, I release my ghost of Christmas past and wish for better more beautiful bags that do not also double as audio equipment.
This halter top is made by Lacoste and it’s fantastic because it’s a hoochie top by Lacoste. As most of you know, Lacoste is not usually very well versed in hoochie tops, making this one quite rare. Lacoste is much more known for their famous Polo tees and everything that is crew neck. You can get it at Urban Outfitters on sale for $49.99. And I was kidding about it being hoochie, I own tops that are way hoochier than this.
One of these two top coats is chic and fantastic, and the other one makes a man look like an over-sized, demented Paddington Bear. Cold weather is upon us and we will soon be seeing guys putting on their peacoats and wool sweaters. All of which are acceptable–except one. I understand that there is not a lot of selection for guys in terms of winter-wear. There’s blazers, puffy jackets and that one black zip up jacket that most guys and most definitely ALL Asian guys own from Banana Republic. But there’s always the guys that will turn to the dreaded shiny black leather coat once they spot an overcast day. For these guys, they think that their leather jacket has magic powers that will turn their normal yuppie self into a gun-toting Sopranos gangster. You’ll never be a gangster, especially if you are the guy that wears said leather jacket to clubs holding a strawberry garnished cosmopolitan, and wears thin-rimmed Prada glasses trying desperately to look “hard”. So accept your yuppiness guys! Do yourself and women a favor and get that gorgeously pretentious black top coat that goes with your entire yuppy wardrobe. People may think that you’re a rude, young, urban professional who spends money with reckless abandon…but that sounds pretty good to me.
I can’t actually buy any of the “buys of the week” since I’m broke, but I am happy to oblige all you beautiful people that can still feel the fabulous pressure to buy. This jacket is from Nordstrom and it has all the things that are perfect for the coming cold weather: it’s red, its cropped, and it’s cute…And it’s only $40. Sure beats a blazer from J.Crew for $2000.
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